Holly Folly Christmas

By Cameron Ross

Every year when Christmas rolls around it is tempting to conduct an experiment testing how well carolers can sing after they ask for figgy pudding and have it thrown in their face. Will they wipe it off with the ugly reindeer mittens their grandmother crocheted for them or leave it and keep singing an outdated song about peasants asking for free food?

If they’re going to sing a song about homeless people begging the lyrics should ask for a bottle of Jack Daniel’s so it is easier to understand by modern standards. This experiment is never conducted, however, because most people do not get off their couch. The lights are usually off so they will leave after ringing your doorbell fifteen times.

Christmas seems to have lost it’s meaning. It has been turned into an excuse to saturate the economy and be rude to everyone because you’re mad you just spent two weeks pay on a shiatsu massage chair that will break before next Christmas.

Work sucks this time of year because people are more demanding and have no patience. They act like customer service workers are Santa Claus and can just pull whatever it is they want out of a green velvet bag that holds every present known to man. Speaking of Santa Claus, why has culture continued to keep this fictional character in existence and lie to children. Why not tell them they’re getting even more presents from their parents because they love them.

Is it the excitement of knowing your receiving lots of new things that makes presents so sacred? Because the thought of some fat guy dressed in a Scandinavian pimp outfit with hair like a Hell’s Angel sneaking into your house is disturbing. I don’t care how red his cheeks are and why do we have to leave him milk and cookies? Parents end up having to eat the snack and guy that looks like Santa Claus doesn’t need any sweets or dairy. He can go back to the North Pole and drink reindeer milk with all his poor elves he treats like indentured servants.

Wrapping paper is an issue that can stump both: brilliant thinkers and idiots. People make paper that’s metallic or scantily clad with intricate designs only to have it ripped and torn to shreds. It is then thrown away because it’s doubtful that all the random ingredients are recyclable.

The celebration of the birth of Christ is a religious ceremony, which is supposed to be sacred and respected. It has been turned into a greed festival where giving and receiving must stay balanced to avoid feelings of guilt or anger. The idea of Christmas makes sense if those celebrating it are doing so because of their religion.

Many people who benefit and suffer from this holiday are not religious at all. They have no business taking part in celebration of a people’s savior. If the individuals who created Christmas saw what it has become, the effects would probably resemble those that result from taking an ecstasy pill.

Since it is also a national holiday it is fair to declare that the government is endorsing a religion. This argument is subjective though and one can argue that it does not violate the first amendment as some may think.

There are good things about Christmas such as funny movies like Bad Santa. Also, mistletoe and eggnog mix well at Christmas parties while the Santa Claus fib can be used to control children by telling them they won’t get presents because he’s watching them and every other child with his extra sensory perception.

Overall, Christmas is probably the most abused and exaggerated holiday currently celebrated. A hearty Christmas dinner always lightens the mood as long as there are no family quarrels and everyone likes their presents. Only a couple months to go so get your figgy pudding ready or turn out the lights!

Here's some Christmas..... humor....(Warning: DO NOT WATCH IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED!)